I’ve have learned oh-so-much in the last four years. My experience has more than thickened my skin; I feel pretty emotionally disconnected- more so than ever in my life. Usually I’m accused of hypersensitivity like it’s something that is unnecessary in the world. I feel things around me. I am an emotional creature! And many of the people around me are running, running, running. Ignoring their core selves, not becoming the best versions of themselves. This has made it very hard for me to go through many emotional transitions only to be met by people in life who negligently mistake my kindness for weakness.
Dangerous things I once took devilish-joy in I’ve realized have cost me a copious amount of self worth with in this past year. This photograph while it’s interpretations are endless as I found having to describe it for a class today, really comes down to one particularly new lesson for me and that is: do not indulge in anything at the expense of yourself. I have a scorpio side of me that loves to get herself in trouble, and by trouble I mean place herself in harms way, by harmful people. Seems obvious but let’s face it, it’s hard to tell who the villains are because everyone’s so pretty. The ideal is slowly melting away, progression not perfection.
These past couple months have been so heart-breaking that at times I’m finding it hard to breath again. I had a similar twenty-something crisis at the tender age of 18. To have another at 26 is almost more than I can take. I’ve been gradually getting to this place of anxiety for the past year and my dear friend Kaylie would always remind me … that I am worth it. It’s going to take a lot of work. No distractions.
The melting iconic ice cream cone represents a deteriorating reality of “shoulds”. No longer will I allow myself to feel guilty or the need to explain where I am or where I am going. I am a fucking furturist, God damn it! I see myself and the world far beyond the norm. I am taking a path not travelled to see what the depths of me are. Primarily my goal is to heal the loss of my dear friend Kaylie, transcending another wound. Heal all the hurt those bastards who’ve take advantage, didn’t speak the same language or who were just plain cowardice fuckwads – and then forgive myself for putting myself into those situations more than once. To love those men who are full of respect for women and can be present even if things do not work out. I am in constant change. I’m going to allow myself this time.