Category: Daily
Repetition
I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I have shot and shot and shot all week. Repetition is the main goal for this week’s module, including all the formal elements of unity. I think this idea to repeat things is exactly what I am trying not to do in every other aspect in my life making this freaking assignment pull my fucking hair out. I have so many little worlds in my head ready to be created, except I’m exhausted trying to find all the exact materials I need. The biggest issue is space. I have a studio that I could use more- but it’s an awkward space with even more weird people walking in and out, but alas I will have to utilize it this week. One world I’ve been contemplating exploring is sex/love/lust within a visual language that isn’t exploitative- it’s really hard to find a model I can evolve those ideas with without it getting, real? I don’t want to use random people. So, that’s out unless I find “a-one” within the next 12 hours, unlikely. The other idea I’m working on is a play on an alice in wonderland subject with a religious twist and subtext. I had such a hard time at Kaylie’s funeral (not the vigil) where the priest was repeating this notion that she is “fine” now, like she has to be resolved for the way she left her life. It literally gave me a panic attack thinking about her “walking with god” – it’s just did not work with who she was nor did I need to be reassured that she was in a better place, relieved of her inner anguish- I was fully aware of that actuality already. Plus he called her Hayley at one point- yeah. The only thing he said I think she’d agree with is when he referred to her as Saint Kaylie. Wendy and I had a good laugh at that. So anyway, this self-portrait has me obviously fading into the wall- which has totally been done a billion times over. And I am not sure I brought anything new to it? Actually, I think I brought a truthful feeling into visual form expressing how the last few weeks (months) have felt for me- like I am half the person I used to be (and just for right now). I am shifting like whoa, and just need a break, a hug, a love! Let’s aim for me to move to San Francisco by next summer! Holler.
Twenty-Somethings Crisis #2
I’ve have learned oh-so-much in the last four years. My experience has more than thickened my skin; I feel pretty emotionally disconnected- more so than ever in my life. Usually I’m accused of hypersensitivity like it’s something that is unnecessary in the world. I feel things around me. I am an emotional creature! And many of the people around me are running, running, running. Ignoring their core selves, not becoming the best versions of themselves. This has made it very hard for me to go through many emotional transitions only to be met by people in life who negligently mistake my kindness for weakness.
Dangerous things I once took devilish-joy in I’ve realized have cost me a copious amount of self worth with in this past year. This photograph while it’s interpretations are endless as I found having to describe it for a class today, really comes down to one particularly new lesson for me and that is: do not indulge in anything at the expense of yourself. I have a scorpio side of me that loves to get herself in trouble, and by trouble I mean place herself in harms way, by harmful people. Seems obvious but let’s face it, it’s hard to tell who the villains are because everyone’s so pretty. The ideal is slowly melting away, progression not perfection.
These past couple months have been so heart-breaking that at times I’m finding it hard to breath again. I had a similar twenty-something crisis at the tender age of 18. To have another at 26 is almost more than I can take. I’ve been gradually getting to this place of anxiety for the past year and my dear friend Kaylie would always remind me … that I am worth it. It’s going to take a lot of work. No distractions.
The melting iconic ice cream cone represents a deteriorating reality of “shoulds”. No longer will I allow myself to feel guilty or the need to explain where I am or where I am going. I am a fucking furturist, God damn it! I see myself and the world far beyond the norm. I am taking a path not travelled to see what the depths of me are. Primarily my goal is to heal the loss of my dear friend Kaylie, transcending another wound. Heal all the hurt those bastards who’ve take advantage, didn’t speak the same language or who were just plain cowardice fuckwads – and then forgive myself for putting myself into those situations more than once. To love those men who are full of respect for women and can be present even if things do not work out. I am in constant change. I’m going to allow myself this time.
